Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
