Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
