Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
