whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
