...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
