She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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