Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
