you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
