I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
