I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think pants incapable of making pants work
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
