It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
