why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
