ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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