i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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