my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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