After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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