He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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