you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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