i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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