I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
