I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
