So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
