Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
