Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
