He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
