Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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