All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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