I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
