we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize