The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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