TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
