You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
