I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
