i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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