My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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