Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
