Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
