Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
