I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
