My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
