even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
