Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
