I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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