When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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