I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
