The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
