Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
