I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
