By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
