the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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