I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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