I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she told me i tasted like america
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
