I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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