I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
