guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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