Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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