I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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