My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize