I will die if light touches me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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