saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
