imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
