I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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