She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ladies don't puke and tell
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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