I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
