you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
