I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
